On a private forum recently, a woman who's been TTC for a while wrote about receiving an "encouragement card" from her clinic. It was a pocket-size card that listed these suggestions:
- Try to do something that makes me feel positive.
- See things positively.
- Look on the bright side of things.
- Make the best of the situation.
- Try to think more about the positive things in my life.
- Focus on the positive aspects of the situation.
- Find something good in what is happening.
- Try to do something meaningful.
- Focus on the benefits and not just the difficulties.
- Learn from the experience.
Do you see a pattern here? Except for numbers 8 and 10, these tips all seem to be variations on "Be positive." (If there's a difference between "See things positively" and "Look on the bright side," it's too subtle for me.)
Several of us on the forum had the same reaction: after the second or third cliché, we started feeling put off, maybe even patronized. We heard echoes of the infamous "Just relax!" Because while everyone agrees on the need to, say, "make the best of the situation," the huge daily question is HOW.
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Of course, to be used in this format, the "how" needs to be as brief and universal as possible. I know how hard that is, and I appreciate the clinic's effort, since (in the interest of being positive, not just pointlessly snarky), I took a shot at it myself.
How to translate platitudes into actions that I actually know how to DO? Here's what's worked for me personally, or at least as much of it as will fit into a tiny, pocket-size list. (Obviously, whole books could be and are written about each point, and your own points may differ!)
- Focus on the things I can control, and act decisively.
- Maintain balance by continuing to do non-TTC-related things that make me feel good.
- Maintain perspective and connection by sharing support with others who are also struggling in some way.
- Allow myself to hope for success, to the extent that doing so feels more uplifting than painful.
- Consider that what seems like a setback now may have some positive results that are not apparent yet.
- Consider that, even if I don't have success, growth and joy are still possible in my life.
- When good things happen, however small, pause to savor them in that moment.
- Seek out things that make me laugh, not to put on a happy face, but because it feels freeing and brave.
- Notice what tools help me feel and function better, and make them priorities.
I can only come up with nine points. Is there something you would add, to make it an even ten (or more)?
Also, coming next: some surprising background on the encouragement card!
Wow, that 'encouragement card' sounds obnoxious! And really, anything but encouraging, if others are like me...
ReplyDeleteYour list is great though Hope, and very real and practical. I would maybe add (being the negative Nellie that I am), that it's important to also give real validation to your negative feelings in the midst of looking for the positive - in my experience, allowing those to exist actually makes it easier to move forward with a lighter heart and a more positive attitude. So, to put it in concrete terms, I'd maybe make number ten: allow yourself 20-30 minutes each day to explore and release your negative thoughts too (to make room for the positive, validate those genuine feelings, and in facing them acknowledge that even with 'the worst' life can still go on with happiness). It sounds a bit contrived to set aside time like that, but a therapist suggested I do it and that tactic really did help me while we were spinning our wheels on the ttc front.
This is a wonderful list. I found #4, #7 and #8 particularly helpful. Oh, and #3 too. I'd also agree with Sadie's suggestion, though I'd have framed it a little differently. I allowed myself to feel my emotions, to recognise them, and didn't beat myself up for feeling "weak" or "afraid." It helped me feel compassion for myself, and that was important.
ReplyDeleteI'm shocked at the poorly executed "encouragement card." I wonder if there was a baby photo on the back? (I hope I'm joking about that one, but it really wouldn't surprise me.)
A baby photo! Perfect! It would be the finishing touch, wouldn't it?
DeleteAs for acknowledging all of our emotions, dark and light, I couldn't agree more. What both of you said is really important, I think. I don't see it as being negative, just practical and kind to ourselves (and others, since suppressed feelings tend to leak out anyhow, sometimes in more damaging ways).
ReplyDeleteThis was really the foundation and purpose for my list. (You're right, though – it deserves a place ON the list). My goal is to feel not so much "positive" as whole, which means somehow facing the hard truths without crossing over into self-pity, depression, and so on. I've never actually tried Sadie's suggestion of setting aside a time to focus on those things, but can see why it might help with maintaining balance. I'm going to try it!